Session Two: The Deuce

There are moments that I have had in my career as a DM where I curled up into a ball as my players made a mockery of my carefully planned plots and ran roughshod over my beautiful world and rich, intriguing histories.  I disconsolately rolled dice to fend off the assaults of uncaring murder hobos as they burned and salted the ruins of temples full of tales that would rival Tolkien and Salvatore.  Luckily, I got over that about five minutes into last session of my campaign, re-calibrated, and have embraced the madcap antics that my players have seemed to wholeheartedly embrace.  I don't need to run a game in Westeros.  I can do Discworld just fine.

Yes, Troy.  Yes it does. Also, let's see how many Community pictures I can find that fit this blog.

And it was very Discworld-esque.   But first, there was happiness, because Aaron and Tracy brought buffalo chicken dip and I made three ingredient chocolate chip cookies (literally crushed graham crackers, chocolate chips, and sweetened condensed milk) and there was Dr Pepper.  It was a grey, chilly day, but man does a good smorgasboard and a passle of awesome friends make a day awesome.  I had Aaron, Caelin, and Tracy recount the tales of the last session (more or less accurately and more or less embellished for comedic effect), because it brought Brandie and Eric up to speed (because this is their first session) and because it lets me gauge what went well, what went poorly, and who was actually paying attention.  Good news: they all seemed to like last week and they all mostly paid attention.  

We forayed onwards.  I started with Aaron's dwarven paladin standing on the corpses of the goblins he killed last session in the goblin village that Caelin and Tracy lit on fire last session.  He was all alone and started looking around for the priest that his character is friends with who was an important NPC who got hit in the head with a rock and and then abandoned last session.  Aaron found the priest lying unconscious while two goblins hacked his legs off.  Aaron killed one goblin and the other ran off with one of the priest's legs.  Since he hadn't used it last session, Aaron used his Lay on Hands on the priest, reviving him, and, after screaming in pain and shock, the priest told Aaron to follow the girls and protect them, because one of them might actually save the world or something (although it would take a miracle at this point).  Aaron set off into the woods after Caelin and Tracy.

The cleric now also only has one leg and may or may not come back as a cyborg villain in the future.

Brandie (a gnome  rogue) and Eric (a carpet and turban swathed something or other that has a quarterstaff, darts, and might cast Prestidigitation) were on the train from the last session that everyone abandoned because fuck the plot.  They were treated to the sight of a dark cloud of roiling black badness coming from the direction of the capitol city and rolling directly towards them as people panicked on the train.  They also were treated to the clouds glowing red and parting to reveal a magma dragon with a black mailed figure riding it as it dive bombed the train and blew up the entire back end of the train.  Brandie and Eric disembarked in an orderly fashion as all the other assorted NPCs panicked and were eaten by a dragon.  They ran off into the grasslands and looped back to the forest where, Brandie sitting on Eric's shoulders, they set off to find a person strong enough to shovel coal so they could steal the remnants of the train, because that's the kind of players I have.  

It really really is.

Caelin and Tracy were running through the woods until they found a ravine and decided to take a (short) rest so they could get more HP (because that's a thing in D&D 5th Edition).  Caelin slept and Tracy used her Nature skill to find food and stuff. She rolled well, so she found some berries, wild onions, and a vole (because I was broadsided by the question and named the first woodland creature that came into my head).  Somehow that ended up feeding all five players, because the other three stumbled upon their campsite and Jesus somehow like multiplied the vole-with-onion-and-berry-sauce or something, and everyone was saying things in character that made everyone crack up, and we really were just laughing too hard to care.  It's a good group of super snarky, sassy, quick witted roleplayers.

With calculating food intake that is.  And Community pictures.

Fed and united as a disfunctional unit of mayhem, the party set off back to the train to commandeer it, because now that it could be stolen, the plot train seemed like the place to be.  The NPC Sara Mclauchlan bard from last week (who also had followed Eric and Brandie) and Tracy and Brandie expressed concern over a dragon being there, but Caelin, rife with confidence in her Dragonborn glory (and knowledge of the Draconic language) told everyone that she'd just talk to the evil dragon of doom and ride it the fuck out of there because they were like probably cousins or some shit.  I informed her that it was more like the cousin who was addicted to meth and jailed for being a serial killer, but that did little to dissuade her confidence.  Luckily, by the time they got back to the train, the dragon was no longer present, neither was its rider, and the train was ruined and covered in slag from the magma dragon's breath weapon, because if they don't want to ride the plot train when I'm in charge of it, they don't get to change their minds and steal it later.

They decided to head south to The Library at Howell, which is evidently the only piece of my world and plot that they thought sounded interesting enough to fixate on (probably because my description of it made it sound like my world's version of Hogwarts).  They settled for the night to rest so everyone could heal fully, and Eric said that he'd watch all night, because he doesn't sleep, which is a hint as to what kind of character he is playing.  In the night, he saw a magic trail leading off into the woods, and, when everyone woke up, he told everyone that there was probably something cool that way, and they followed the direction the trail had led.

The trees thickened, and there were fungi and mushroom circles everywhere.  Ahead, they saw sunlight streaming through the trees and in a small glade, there was a small cottage.  Jokes were made about finding a better gnome than Brandie until Brandie and Eric noticed (with perception checks) that the house was slightly too big to be a normal humanoid's house.  They dared the NPC bard to go in first, she did, and then when nothing happened, the party followed.  The cottage only had one room, and there were some cupboards, a stove, a bookcase and some other stuff. There were also three (poorly) taxidermized heads on the wall: a goat, a lion, and a very lumpy lizard-ish thing.  The heads introduced themselves as Barry (actually, the goat introduced itself, the lion chimed in, and the lizard head mumbled incoherently).  The party promptly decided to liberate the heads and most of the other things in the house, including the baby fire elemental in the stove.

Badly. Taxidermized. Lion. Head.

They also stole a wheelbarrow, loaded it up with the Barrys and assorted loot, and set off into the woods again.  Mind you, completely disregarding the fact that they had just stolen a bunch of shit from something that is slightly larger than an average human who had talking chimera heads on its fucking walls.  They also left about $2.50 in coins and a slightly apologetic note on the table.  Also, the NPC bard disappeared sometime in that time frame, and the party mostly didn't care.  They aren't the most discerning or careful group ever.

As they trekked through the woods, they heard the baying of dogs and the yells of goblins.  Caelin, Brandie, and Tracy climbed trees while Eric stashed the Barrys and loot behind a tree then stood his ground behind Aaron.  Five goblin dogs and three goblin wizards came pelting through the trees.  Eric and Aaron both got goblin dogs latched onto them.  Brandie sniped the dog on Eric, but the dog was already stuck.  Tracy cast Speak With Animals and started talking to the dog under her tree.  Caelin cast Magic Missile and split the three missiles to three targets and didn't kill any of them and was not happy about it.  She also used her dragon breath to kill the dog under her tree.  Aaron failed multiple times to do anything and the goblins in front of Eric and Aaron doused them with bottles of smelly liquid.  Brandie killed a goblin climbing her tree, Eric beat the goblin in front of him to death with his quarterstaff, and the goblin on Aaron cast Witch Bolt on Aaron and dropped him to three hit points.  Aaron used Lay on Hands on himself to not die, Caelin jumped out of her tree and clubbed the goblin on Aaron to death.  Tracy convinced the remaining three dogs that they were all friends, so she has three goblin dogs following her, and they figured out the massage technique to un-clench the dogs' jaws when they clamp shut.

And that was that.  They got to level two, and we get to pick up next Friday for more mayhem and chaos.  The party has grown by three goblin beartrap dogs and taxidermized chimera heads, and is now five...beings strong.  We'll see how it goes, but it's going to be nothing but ridiculous and entertaining.

The end.