Saturday, February 13, 2016

TWBWDH: To Hell...(Maybe not back) Part 1

As most of The World's Best Worst Demon Hunters episodes start, we find our heroes chilling in the now chilly bunker under Centralia, Pennsylvania.  Lenny was playing video games in the Winnebago, Mark was making pancakes in the bunker kitchen, and Anne was resisting pent up urges over her growing lust for Kade in her room.  This was made harder when Kade came in and announced that he had an exciting job for them that was making him swell in anticipation.  Yes, the conversation actually went like that, except with more sex puns that either Kade didn't realize he was saying or played off very well.  Anne was flustered, we conference called Lenny in, because he didn't want to leave the Winnebago during daylight (because vampire), and Kade told us we were going to the Nether Realm.  
Of course, my brain immediately replaced Nether Realm with Nightosphere, coloring my entire perception of the whole ordeal we were about to face.

Lenny was told to stop playing video games while we discussed what was going on, so clearly he didn't. Mark was concerned, said it wasn't his bag, but was quickly swayed by the fact that we were getting payed a whole lot, and Anne looked forward to it.  The mission was to go to Miserachordia, the realm of Mephistopholes (because of course it was).  Now, the Nether Realm in Colt Regan is not actually Hell.  It's simply a series of connected planes where "demons" (technically extradimensional beings of various stripes) come from.  Miserachordia is mostly a ruined city-scape with pools of toxic waste and pollution everywhere.

"Like Detroit," Mark remarked.

"Like Detroit and Cincinnati had a child and it got all of the recessive genes," Kade replied.

We had to be there for possibly two weeks.  Mark and Anne bought cartons of cigarettes. Lenny realized he didn't have two weeks worth of clothes in his wardrobe.  Mark only packed five days worth of clothes but two weeks worth of underwear.  We realized that the video game situation in Miserachordia was pretty dire, and Lenny packed his Nintendo DS and a lot of battery packs.   Dr. Richard Thaddeus Block and Apocalypse Creed were mostly packed until Kade made a joke about packing extra socks to make sure we didn't get gangrene and Dr. Block decided he didn't want to chance a theory that Incubi couldn't get gangrene and ran back to his room to get more.

Necessary for any trip to the Nightosphere Nether Realm

Mr. Crow, our portal demon from the West Virginia Incident was due to come and open a portal for us, and he arrived at 7am.  Kade had woken us all up.  Mark was not happy about this and rolled back over in bed.  Lenny joked that he could carry Mark, so of course this episode's broment was Lenny carrying Mark to the meeting point in the bunker lobby.  Mark grumped around and drank coffee and was angsty, we waffled a few moments after the portal opened, and Mark decided that if he had to be miserable, he might as well be miserable in Miserachordia and was the first one through.

We were off to meet with some demons who had escaped experimentation by one of Mephistopholes's demon lieutenants and were trying to form a peaceful society.  Some of their scouts had disappeared, and we were to find the scouts.  Their encampment was a short hike from our portal, and we met a ragtag group of demons who sported mechanical augmentations or replacements for various and sundry body parts.  They informed us that every one of the demons they rescued were precious to their cause, to which Mark telepathically remarked to Lenny was most likely because all together they made up one whole demon.

Their leader, Jum, allowed Dr. Block to set up a station in their camp so that he could remotely monitor us over Bluetooth headsets.  We joked that he could hear us pee.  He professed not to have a pee pee fetish.  The jokes that he has a pee pee fetish are now clearly a thing we make on the reg.  We discovered that we had cell service, but figured the roaming would be Hell to pay.  Evidently, there is such a thing as a Fiends and Family plan offered by many cell carriers.  Roaming jokes were made, because all of us playing the game are call center veterans.  

It's the little bits of intrusive reality that lend Colt it's special brand of charm.

And then we set off into a blasted hellscape not dissimilar to Detroit after an apocalypse.  Mark lit a cigarette off of a gout of fire blasting through the concrete, Kade scouted ahead, we discovered that Lenny knows what a point man is because of video games, Mark and Anne brought up the middle, and Apocalypse Creed brought up the back and made sure that we were covered.  Our episode ends just outside of a ruined factory/hospital/meat processing plant as we readied ourselves to check out the dark and scary insides.  Because, y'know, cliffhanger and stuff.  

Saturday, February 6, 2016

TWBWDH: Foreshadowing? Also Vampires and...the Mafia?

When we last left our heroes from The World's Best Worst Demon Hunters, they had narrowly escaped being turned into leech people in West Virginia.  After their harrowing adventure, they returned to the Centralia, PA base for some relaxation and recharging.  Anne had developed a giant crush on Kade Solas, our were-lizard host, so the episode started with her being awkward and blushing and him either not getting it or playing it off really well.  All that we really know is that now the base is uncomfortably cold, because the air conditioning has been turned up.  Everyone is chilly, except Anne, who is now super comfortable in the base (because, y'know, cryokinetic stuff).  Mark also bought Lenny a light-reflective sleeping bag so that they can wrap him up like a vampire burrito (vampurrito) and tote him around in the daylight if necessary.  There was an awkward broment when Lenny unwrapped his present.

But full of slightly uncomfortable vampire.  And maybe a spider.  Because Mark's an asshole.

Anne also got a steam cleaner and cleaned the entire Winnebago on the pretense that she wanted every trace of leech out of our house, but also probably because with two bachelor's living in it, she was afraid that if she turned on a black-light it would look like a Jackson Pollack painting (because we make Guardians of the Galaxy references).  Kade then found Mark the next day to give them a choice of different missions to go on.  Our choices were either going with Apocalypse Creed (the super macho Incubi) on a mission to kill a bunch of demons infesting an oil rig, go with Dr. Richard Thaddeus Block (our nerdy Incubi scientist friend) to investigate something that the Doctor was interested in, or take a highly lucrative mission to literally stand around at a vampire court to pad out numbers to make the Regeant of Chicago look more competent (with a 98% chance that none of us will get hurt to boot).

Now, Mark is greedy, self serving, and likes making Lenny uncomfortable.  Also fighting demons Doom style is totes not his bag, and following the Doctor around would be tedious.  He decided that the team would go stand around vampires for fun and profit.  Additionally, he didn't clear this with Lenny and Anne and just informed them that they were off to see vampires.  Lenny was sad and uncomfortable, Anne talked to Kade about it and found out Mark had been given options and was sad they couldn't go kill demons.  Secretly, both knew that this was the best mission (because it involved the most money), so they drove off to Chicago.  

Since road trips aren't complete without fast food, they decided to stop along the way.  Since they were in a Winnebago and going into fast food joints is for plebs, they had to find a drive thru that could accommodate the Winnie.  The first place they found was a White Castle in Ohio, pulled in, ordered, and then waited in the drive thru.  And waited.  And waited.  Lenny knocked on the drive thru window, and after nobody could be seen inside after ten minutes, we finally got impatient, Mark could only sense one life form inside, which he remarked wasn't unusual given the nature of most fast food workers.  They pulled around and went inside, because things seemed fishy.

Please note:  the following tale of terror is hardly the most horrible thing to have ever happened in a White Castle.  In fact, it isn't even the worst thing to happen in a White Castle's bathroom.  They're called "sliders" for a reason, folks.

Inside the White Castle, everybody was dead.  We could tell, because their organs and blood and body parts were literally all over everything.  Mark was disappointed that he wasn't getting dinner, Lenny went back to the Winnie for a shotgun, Anne pulled out her gun and started slowly walking behind the counter.  As Mark decided to get himself a Sprite from the soda machine, he heard a sobbing from the bathrooms, let Anne know, filled up his drink, and followed her towards the bathrooms with Lenny's backup.  

There was someone in the stall in the womens' room, but she wouldn't open the door.  Mark used his telepathic command abilities to make her open the door, because he was #over #it, and we found a terrorized female cashier who was probably around 19-20.  Mark called 911 while sipping his Sprite and having a cigarette on the front sidewalk, Anne comforted the girl, and Lenny told the rest of the disgruntled people in the drive-thru that they weren't getting their orders today.  The officers showed up, and Mark decided that the girl's non-verbal state was annoying and just decided to read her surface thoughts to tell the cops what happened.  

Fleshies, in the Colt Regan universe, are tall, emaciated, genderless naked human bodies with no eyes or noses, mouths full of razor teeth, and hands and feet with knife sized claws.  They generally work like feral fast zombies, aren't sentient, and aren't super graceful.  Everyone in the White Castle had been killed by a fleshie that was a graceful, intelligent killing machine.  It creeped Mark the fuck out, he asked the officers where the nearest Pizza place was, Lenny called Kade and let him know about the incident, we left statements, then drove down the road for really good New York style pizza.

Fleshies are kinda like this fucking thing from Pan's Labyrinth, just with more rage murder and less hand-eyes.

After that, we got to Chicago with no incident.  We met our contact at an arcade pub and were quickly ushered into the back where we met a vampire who was an actual Mafia stereotype.  He was even watching The Godfather.  He was nice, slightly threateneing, explained that the Regent of Chicago was meeting with some random even higher up vampire (I play Mark, and Mark isn't so big on details like this, so I forget them too), and the Regent wanted to appear more impressive so she basically wanted us to stand around, look fancy, and pad out her retinue.

The vampire we met with (he was called The Head of Fraternity) also asked Lenny about who made Lenny, and Lenny was an awkward baby vampire, because he's not really good at the whole vampire bit, because he was dumped before his ex girlfriend bothered telling him about it and he's been too busy playing video games since then to find out.  We  were told to visit a tailor on the house, given hotel rooms (and told not to go nuts with room service), and Lenny spent most of the night playing arcade games at the video arcade.  Mark ate a packet of nuts and left a note that he'd gone nuts with room service.

The next day, we visited a very nice tailor.  Lenny got a suit, Mark got nice clothes, and Annabelle got a red, sparkly flapper stripper dress.  We waited until dark, and decided we didn't want to roll up to a fancy event in a Winnebago.  Lenny suggested we call an Uber.  Mark said it'd be driven by a hipster vegan who'd pass out from low iron or something and kill them all.  We took a yellow cab instead.

In Mark's mind, this is secretly a gluten free death trap.

The vampires present (and our protagonists) were dressed in oddly 1920s reminiscent clothes, because the vampires in Chicago are pretty much the actual Mafia (because probably most of them started it or something).  One of them had a scary sith mask, and since Mark does things like this, Lenny explained via a telepathic three way call Mark set up that the scary dude was called an Ebon Gladius.  Mark said it was a good porn name.  We continued on to meet the other group of important vampires and stood around silently while they exchanged pleasantries.

Most of said pleasantries went way over our heads, because we're not vampires.  Something about an alternate dimension beyond the Wyrd, and "we need to investigate" and "we need to send someone expendable." They decided to talk to "Bathory" who was evidently the head of their group or clan or whatever.  Vampire politics in Colt Regan are hush hush to the uninitiated.  Of specific interest to Anne was the moment when she was offered as a snack to the visiting vampires.  We figured that was the 98% chance none of us would be harmed moment.  We were right, and luckily the visiting vamps decided they weren't hungry.  Incidentally, Mark figured out that she had a crush on Kade by snooping in her surface thoughts during this time.  That ammunition is sure to resurface later.

The "Bathory"mentioned is most likely Elizabeth Bathory.  Google her.  She's cool.

Afterwards, we met the Regent, and she exchanged pleasantries with us in a harsh, nasal, New York accent.  Evidently one of Lenny's sketchy cousins is in the NY branch of "the family."  She then showed us her hat trick where she disappeared into her reflection in the car mirror when she said farewell.  We saddled up the Winnebago, and then we headed back to Centralia.

Back in Centralia, we found Dr. Richard Thaddeus Block who waved a photo of the creeptastic fleshie that Mark had seen in the fast food girl's memory.  Evidently, the non-existent (possibly erased from existence) former science lab he'd worked for had been imprisoning it.  It was a noted serial killer, and it usually let one victim live, but that one victim always committed suicide later, potentially under some sort of mental control.  Mark feared for his life, Anne flirted with Kade more, and we ended the night with Dr. Block offering Mark some pills to deal with his fear.  Mark declined, let the Doctor know about his addiction, but the fact that there are drugs in the building may raise it's ugly head again.